Platonic Action Lab (PAL)

If you want to progress in your career or romantic relationship, there are thousands of coaches ready to help. But these days, what I miss most is better friendships + a strong community - and it's hard to find someone helping with that... But thankfully we have Kat! I was soo lucky to come across her Platonic Action Lab 😊 I moved to a new city 6 months ago, and this is exactly what I needed. The space Kat creates is so warm, supportive, fun and inspiring. The group holds you when things are not working out, and celebrates with you when they are. It's been a few weeks since I finished, and this is what has happened in my life since then: hosted 2 potlucks for two different groups at my place, was invited to a pizza night by a new friend who introduced me to her friends, I had spontaneous tea with neighbors, and I'm developing a community group around food and conviviality. All this is happening because I was not trying to do it all by myself. Because I had the support of Kat and the class behind me every time things didn't go as expected (and my heart broke a bit). We don't live in a world designed for social connection, but people are still looking for it (even if they're not aware). You just need to find the ones communicating in a similar wavelength - and that's where the 'hyper-specific' part of the programme comes into play. If you dream of having: more friends, better friends, a good community - PAL is a fantastic foundation for big dreams. You deserve the connections your heart is longing for. We all do.

At the beginning, I felt nervous, knowing this was something I needed, but also pushing myself outside my comfort zone in a brand new area felt scary. Through PAL I've pushed myself and I feel more on my way to having that feeling of home because I've started to develop familiarity with places and the people in them. Platonic Action Lab felt like a community in and of itself, and when you've got folks going on this journey with you, it feels more accessible and possible.

I was feeling really lonely and isolated before  PAL. This class has shown me I’m not alone in that feeling, and everything I did in PAL showed me I’m actually surrounded by people who want to connect. I felt very inspired by everyone in the program and I definitely cribbed language and ideas from our class materials and the PAL handbook. Really useful tools. I feel proud that I pushed myself and I feel way more positive!!!

I felt nervous going into this, but it faded relatively quickly. I also discovered two new awesome potential third places in my area! There are things happening and people gathering… I think it's also sinking in that I can be a person who gathers people. That hasn't really been part of my identity, and I have a lot of insecurity here, but this is progress. In PAL, one of the biggest things I learned was to stay the course.

Before PAL, I wasn't really sure how to action on new friendships. It felt a bit overwhelming and daunting, but now it feels like it could be fun, playful, and light.

In PAL, I discovered that there's a lot more going on than I realized — I found 63 potential third places within 4 miles of my home! I’m learning that I can decide how I want to show up in the world and how I wish to be seen—as a person who is interested in connecting with other people and someone who challenges social norms around reaching out and sharing small interactions throughout my day.

I am increasingly seeing ways that I can create community and I am less timid about trying. I loved hearing about others' experiences and have been inspired by others in this course.

Because of PAL, I invited a neighbor that I've talked with before to join me in something I was interested in. We went to the light show, danced at a pop up dance party and then had dumplings for Dumpling Week. A big lesson I learned is that it's okay to ask for what you actually want in friendship. This class taught me that there are multiple ways to get friend needs met, various ways to meet people, and it reinforced that you don't have to be best friends with activity buddies.

I started a very mini virtual bookclub?! Past me could never. I am grateful for and inspired by the bravery of everyone here. In this program, I learned that there's a lot of investment that needs to happen to nurture relationships and I have a ways to go. But I've never felt more equipped to think about, plan, and do that than now.

Platonic Action Lab was such an inspiration to me! I loved seeing everyone's experiments and it gave me so many good ideas to try for myself. Taking action instead of just waiting to be invited to something (or for someone else to start a group) is a big lesson I learned during my time in PAL. I felt inspired to push myself to move outside of my comfort zone. Thanks to everyone in PAL for showing what is possible, sharing their experiences, and for willing to be vulnerable! And thanks so much to Kat for leading, encouraging and modeling how to meet new friends and grow communities.

I'm so grateful for this experience and for the vulnerability and bravery of everyone here! I feel optimistic and more confident moving forward in my life, knowing there are others who want connection and are just waiting for someone to reach out. I now feel more empowered that I can go anywhere and make friends and connections using the tools and ideas I learned here in this community. I feel much less alone and am so so grateful.

The actions I took as part of this program helped me meet four neighbors in my apartment building — we met up for chitchat & tea in the lounge! We had a blast and now we have a core group and plans for future game nights! Everyone said they needed this. This program helped me feel more connected to my ecosystem. I learned that starting with a purpose, goals, and specificity around the outcomes and experiences you're looking for changes everything. This has been a beautiful and transforming thing for me. Thank you all. ✨

This program showed me that it’s helpful to take a more active role in being the change I want to see in my local community, and in building relationships to help my neighborhood feel more like home. I learned that trial and error is key. Not everything will work right away, but learning, modifying, and keeping at it is really important. It’s also important to keep an open mind… you never know when opportunities to make connections will pop up.

The biggest lesson I learned in Platonic Action Lab is that being quiet, waiting for the perfect opportunity to arrive in front of me, and not taking chances are not the right way to make friends. I need to put myself out there and be willing to take risks in order to meet other people.

Came in feeling curious, and coming out feeling jubilant! I am more comfortable in my vulnerability and possess a deeper understanding of the commonalities we've celebrated in our classes.

I really appreciated the frame of 'watering the seedlings' - tending to the people that DO say yes to my invitations and answer my texts. It was helpful to zoom out and ask, "Who are the three or four people that I'm cultivating connection? with How can I love them every couple of days?”   PAL helped me figure out how to handle other people's flakiness - it's been a real sore spot for me - and Kat helped me see how I could practice detachment and curiosity when other people are flaky or don't respond in a timely way or at all. I also practiced the spectrum of observing reciprocity: 'is this new connection playing along to help keep the ball in the air'?' and, having grace when fumbles inevitably happen.  I got soooo much out of the 1-1 office hour slots with Kat. Each time, I felt really heard and appreciated the unexpected responses to some of my well-worn challenges. I now also have a better practice of planning ahead (way ahead) and over-inviting to give myself a runway and chance of success. It also helped so much to hear what has worked for folks, and what could be possible, all with a bit of play. It was very, very helpful to read specific language I could borrow or update. I loved kicking around my questions, listening and reflecting with others, hearing my own answers to their questions, and I did like that we had homework with a due date. Learning live together is so much more fun, meaningful, and has its own unique momentum from the shared stories and learning.

The content helped both assure me and give me courage when it comes to inviting people to spend time with me. I really appreciated having assignments and structure. I found that it helped keep me on track. I thrive on that. Really glad I enrolled in "Friend School." :)

I loved it all. The concepts were simple and relevant... just what I want for a class I am taking for fun! I LOVED being able to read everyone's projects and then talking through a few people's each week. So fun. Simple framework is key, and making it clear that you can mix things up week to week is helpful too. In the future, I’ll be more confident in trying new things thanks to this experimentation mindset Kat has taught.

I feel much more grounded in my own perspective and open questions around friendships, neighbors and local wellbeing. I’m less in my head about how to bring a good idea to life, and more in my heart.

Having the weekly homework definitely pushed me to do it, I wouldn't have done it otherwise. I’m proud that I organised my girls night! 

The most helpful part for me was the reflection questions and specific debriefs, especially at office hours. It was also great to have accountability buddies.

I loved seeing all the options & what has worked for other people in the past. Kat shared an encyclopedia of ideas and perspectives on making new friends, expanding our circle, and doubling down with the friends we may have let languish. Our small group chats were lovely, it was really nice getting to know the other participants, and getting some time to share and listen about what we were doing and learning. Those 1:1 conversations did so much to solidify what we were learning. The homework was the best part of the whole month… that and the regular check-ins overcame my delay response - it was magical. You're a damn gem Kat.  Thank you for what you're pouring into the world - I hope to be a mini-version of that light in my own community.

Kat’s no-nonsense, confidence boosting instructions have given me, well… many more friends. I’ve shucked off that dried up layer within that thought maybe I was unlikable for some reason. When I had a trouble setting a boundary she took me aside and told me easily what my rights were, what I could say, and knew of an excellent book or two to guide me in those situations. So much better than a stuffy therapist wanting to sift thru my childhood for 6 months — just get straight to making friendships and not feeling lonely anymore. Kat is a gift!

PAL helped me see that there are opportunities for connection all around me. I'm going to be more of a host for events in the future!

The biggest thing I learned is that a desire and willingness to connect, coupled with creativity, is all you need to create interesting connections and gatherings. The concept of third places reduces the fear of having strangers over to my house and helps me try to see how people organically and inorganically gather in my community. You've made both participating [in] and organizing such events fairly painless regardless of the circumstances! It definitely opened my eyes. [On one of my experiments], I was really surprised when 54 different people commented on ways to connect after 8 PM in our small town where alcohol is not a part of the socializing. I thought that all we had open after that time was Perkins or bars! It was cool to see people also extending invitations and to see that they are as open to connecting as I am. I've never really been scared about connecting with people but I did realize that due to me working a lot of extra due to our hurricane repair, that I hadn't left enough spaces in my time and schedule to actually be able to meet up with people. Creating spaces in my schedule and finding ways of working people in my life in tiny doses was a really helpful reframe. I am excited to look at ways of gathering and new, creative ideas for connecting with the world around me, even in a small town like I live in currently. I will see future me finding ways of connecting and feeling like she has a great community in real life here.

Because of this experience, I'm learning to balance how I am spending my social time and what will be most beneficial for me given what my goals are at the time. I can put myself out there and sometimes it's scary but the more you exercise that muscle, the easier it will be.

The biggest thing I learned is to see things as social experiments to learn from, not only as success or failures. I'm not the only one who craves and values more connections with friends. Because of PAL, I feel more confident trying social experiments and also have way more ideas of things to try! It was fun and good! I feel like I have more ideas now and more confidence getting out there and trying to connect people!

I recently took *such* an fun course with Kat Vellos (she/her) about making new friends. I've been a long time fan of Kat's and her workshop didn't disappoint. Her depth of knowledge about how we connect, her practical tips on creating new friendships, and her many examples of how to define what we're looking for in friendship is really clarifying. Our needs for connection change over time along with our interests and our availability for friendships. Kat's work lays out how we navigate and update.

I have no regrets in joining PAL. Not only was support during defined PAL time valued, I feel I now have new skills, approaches, and energy that I can carry forward past our time in PAL, capitalizing on the momentum built here.

I learned that intention, action, and perseverance are fundamental to achieving results. Making time for the resources helped me a lot and made me even more enthusiastic because this is also very close to what I want to achieve with others.  My biggest win is realizing that it is possible to further expand your circle of friends in a very fun way, provided you have the necessary focus, creativity, and an open mind.  I now see many more opportunities to create communities and friendships, both in my family circle, my current circle of friends, my job, meetings organized by others or by myself, and chance encounters.

Taking action on my PAL goals had a huge impact on recognizing my ability to be a friend. There's lingering friend trauma from childhood that I didn't realize was keeping me stuck feeling like I was the problem or reason for my lack of friends. When in reality, I wasn't making an effort and I was hiding to keep myself safe from rejection. I see myself as much more capable than ever to make and keep friends. And, I see that I'm enthusiastic and excited about making an effort, which is new and exciting. I also am finally seeing that I am someone people want to be friends with, which makes me feel really good. Because of all the steps I took in PAL, I’m much more likely to engage with people in public or be open to conversation with strangers. I see potential buddies in everyone. I don't see those small interactions as "wasted" because they don't end in a BFF, and I feel way more appreciative of those brief connections and acquaintances. I have so much more optimism and positivity around my social network and the potential for growth everywhere around me.

I feel proud that I checked out new groups and events in my area that I braved solo! Also proud I made an effort to initiate conversations instead of being quiet or waiting for others to talk to me. In the future, my mindset will be different—less pressure on myself to make instant connections, and being more intentional on who I seek out to connect with. In PAL, everyone was so welcoming, kind, and it was nice to be in community when I am so often solo! Our micro-community showed me what is possible.

I’m very grateful for the inspiring examples during the intro session, Kat, and for the clear guidelines. In a world of super vague coaching programmes and buzz words, I really value someone who makes things concrete like yourself (and I have no doubt this is because you really know your stuff!) Not even 3 weeks in and I’m already super happy I signed up for this programme :)

In the end, the most important thing I learned is the courage to ask acquaintances from my network to meet off topic. I have to face my shyness on this behalf. And to start with the weak connections I have to make some of them stronger.